Barbie

• Matriarchy and Patriarchy  
• I remember walking in a conference room, talking to my friend over a phone call and as I usually do, talking my thoughts out loud. I remember flipping the scenarios and accepting that it would be as disastrous in a Matriarchy. It would make women behave like men. They would treat men as stallions for work and pleasure (just as men treat women). It would again be a world that would not work out since no one likes to be treated like that. 
• I saw this depicted in Barbie-land, though it did not come close to the crassness with which men could be treated in the world I had imagined.  
• So I had concluded that a perfect world would require perfect equality and mutual respect for everyone. And that requires being a nice human first - as the movie calls out, it starts with knowing who one is without everything else in the picture. That is step number 1.
• Plight of women
• The day I decided to end things, that evening I had cried with such strong emotions trying to articulate how women are treated - how I was treated and how every other women I knew was treated. Most of the time women have no where to go because the do not know how to leave the only world they know. I had physically ached explaining how disgusting it was for men to treat women so poorly when no one deserves to be treated like that. Interestingly the cases I was thinking about back then where not even close to the cruelty with which men actually treat women. Somehow those simple instances were enough to make my blood boil - anymore than that would have invoked violence in me. It had played as a propellent for me to decide that evening. And his shocked face was pure gold - because I knew he could not comprehend a single word I said - as I had not in all these past years of my life. 
• It arrived as America Ferrera's monologue though yet again it was just barely touching the surface of phenomenon women actually experience in man's world. And even this much hit so hard because it was being delivered in a room full of women in the movie and the audience was shocked - I know this because I saw this movie two times and both times there was pin drop uncomfortable silence in the theater. In that moment, everyone was listening. 

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Barbie is an important movie of this age. 

Embrace Who You Are - Part 1

Refer: https://bluejays-mockingbirds.blogspot.com/2018/08/short-and-gray.html 


In August 2018, in a fit of emotional turmoil, I missed my hair appointment two times in a row. Initially I did not think much about it but my gray roots had started showing and my general instinct was to go color! But I decided against it. I decided to stop coloring my hair. And I am writing this blog to commemorate that moment - all because I never thought back then that it was going to be such a huge deal. 

I had premature gray hair since childhood, a genetic aberration in our family from maternal side and I got my first gray hair when I was in ninth grade. I use to apply henna for a while and switched to color in 2008. By 2018, I had been coloring my hair for ten years straight. I experimented with highlights, colors and made a very good friend out of my hairdresser Le - no really, she and I connect and talk on everything from politics to relationships, families, travel, hobbies and kids! 
It may have seemed a sudden decision to folks around me but I had contemplated going natural in the past. I mean, I knew that I would quit coloring my hair when I would turn forty. I had even discussed this with a friend in early part of 2018 itself but did not act on it. Anyways long story short, I did it in August 2018. From my previous discussion with my hairdresser I knew, she wasn't going to listen or support it much so I went to a different parlor this time. This was a male hair dresser and I explained to him that I want to go natural with short hair. He explained that it would take me 6 months to a year depending on my hair growth. And that was that. I did it.
 
I came home and as expected there were reactions. My husband asked me if I was sure of what I was doing because this would be something. I said yes, I think I knew what I was doing. The good thing about the conversation with him was that he took a day to adjust to this. The problem came from an angle I did not expect. My daughter who was 7 years old then, hated my short hair and the fact that I did not want my hair a certain way. It was then I realized that appearances was something that I had not discussed in detail with her. In her small life, she had seen women "look" a certain way, in fact she had not seen a single woman her mom's age with gray hair. She associated gray hair with old ladies and grandmother of other kids. So I had to sit her down and explain that coloring was done at times for style and sometimes to cover up gray hair since folks as they grow old, get gray hair. But in my case, due to a genetic issue, I had gray hair much earlier than others. I had it when I was fifteen. Since it was not common for girls or boys of that age have gray hair, I had started covering up my roots even since then and I continued all these years. And now I did not want to do it. It's a choice that anyone can make, any time and for any reason - mine was that it took a lot of work/time and it made my hair look and feel a certain way, when it was not colored. I felt like a fake and did not want to project an image just for the sake of doing it. People can have any reason to quit coloring and that was that. She heard me out and was not convinced. She did not have a single friend whose mom had gray hair and that was an issue for her. So I had to mention this to her that most women my age color their hair - if some of her friend's moms stopped coloring, they'd have gray hairs too - some more than the other, that's all. This was new information to her and she went quiet. Or let's say, she took a week or so to assimilate this information. 
 
Later that week, I found a picture that she drew of me with short, white hair that said "my mom wants short, white hair and it is OK". I got to know how much my decision had impacted her. My resolution became stronger - she needed to see an example of a person who is comfortable in her appearance and does not let it define her. I showed her pictures of famous female personalities who flaunt their grays, female personalities who color their hair gray for style and even female personalities who had gone bald at different point of their lives. I showed her pictures of female models with different hair styles - not your typical every glowing hair in place kinds - but every other type that there can be. These were all famous and glamorous woman that rocked the look that they had with an internal confidence that defined their look much more than their hair alone could. She was a bit more comfortable to know that her perception of how a typical female should look like was limited and drawn from images that she sees on TV, advertisements and our acquaintances, family and friends. She bought the idea. Good thing about kids is that they are open to new ideas and if logically explained, they do try to understand. 
 
Soon after flurry of queries started - some on the face and straightforward, some subtle and suggestive - from all the adults in my life. Family, friends, colleagues, acquaintances - I expected most of it. Many reasons were cited - from depression to mid-life crisis to not thought-through decision and it was surprising that no one thought that time and effort wasted in regular coloring could be THE most valid reason for my decision. No one. Even the folks who regularly colored their hair, they'd agree with it but could not reason why it should be the only reason for anyone to stop coloring. Another reason that was cited every time in the defense of coloring was that it made me look old and obviously not as appealing. Since I was expecting most of it, I did not think about it much. Though in the process, many folks opened up about their coloring experience and frankly to each their own. I never had the intention of convincing anyone about my choice or their choices in life and everyone being an adult got it sooner or later. 
 
What I did not expect in some of these discussions was how some could relate and were open enough to share their thoughts on it. It started some serious, though provoking discussions with liked minded people about how to look a certain way pressurizes people to do things that they may have never thought about as an option. I did get some compliments on the way - someone who said, looking at me, she'd want to never color her hair when she gets her grays. Another lady who walked up to me at a party and told me to my face that I look pretty with my grays and this was something she kept wanting to do but was not sure how to go about it. I had to tell her something that I had personally realized after looking at my face in the mirror - my face was still my age and my eyes were still my eyes - the attitude with which I went about actually defined how people perceived me. This was nothing new - we all know this but it's only when we are ready to shed the safety of the obvious that this realization sinks in truly. I could speak from experience and it was not some second-hand input. A close friend said that what I did was daring and that itself started a conversation on how a small decision like this can be termed "daring" in our society - it does reflect some aspect of the society we live in. But one thing was sure, it made me like the people I currently hang out with - they all got it - eventually. 

Oh by the way, I did go back to my hairdresser just after a month and even though she was shocked, she accepted me back in her fold, full of vigor to make the most of the style I could potentially rock to ideas about making this work in the long term. That's what I love about her and I laughed because we were instantly back on our discussion on latest spiritual pursuits to havoc kids were wrecking in our lives - she has teenagers and I have so much to learn from her!  

Stupor

So there are these women I see around me. Actually I can say about all of them I have ever known. I cannot truly say that they know - they've been conditioned and their state has been normalized. They all were born with that spark in their eyes, that spark that dulled as they grew old. Realization of how their aspirations to be unique were trampled, diverted, protected and killed - dimmed that spark in their eyes. You can see that in their photographs - old and new. They seem to be in stupor, hypnotized - trying to wriggle and struggle once in a while but sedated again by the comfort of the known or knowing that this is all they have.

The most vibrant of ones, the most gullible of ones, ones who thought they were rebels, even the ones who said they belong - all of them: stupefied. And the funny bit it that they know and they promote the benefits of the stupor.

They have forgotten that they are divine. They cannot imagine that they are magical. They cannot believe that they are indeed, who once they thought, they were.