3rd day was crucial, something shifted to make me accept the situation and hence I started focusing on the process they wanted me to follow. I felt like that today. Not acceptance per se, but it felt like the beginning of acceptance. This is not going to change. This whole thing cannot accelerate or go away. This whole thing will sit, look at me in the eye and make me feel absolutely useless in the process. So if there is no way out, there is only one thing I can do. 

Let the kshetra show itself to you. This is a suggestion that came to me, and I do not even recall now who said it, but it made sense. I want to do that. 

The struggle is at the basic level. I keep slipping back and it takes all the effort to get back. But there is peace in that trying. 

"Diving deep has peace and when you come back to surface, there may be a jewel or two that can be shared." I was impressed by these words - I am paraphrasing of course. 

I had written this blog post some time back - http://bluejays-mockingbirds.blogspot.com/2023/10/why-do-we-have-to-remember.html

I got the answer today - it was in plain sight. It was confirmed by P - I had also thought of it but did not think more on it. 

The desire to play with the toy that was created - our own desire - started the game. The first game could have been so interesting that it led to attachments and recurring desires to play. This was the reason! 

That is why we have to remember! The play is just a play - it’s not “life” or original state.  

In love with me

At this late hour, lying here the intensity with which I miss myself, my own self, my essence - is painful. How I wish I had known how much I'd be in love with being myself. And a lifetime is less too.

Permanent

Have been reading stuff - bits and pieces from here and there, so I am forgetting the exact refernce but the essense is as below: There are these two types of experiences - good and pleasant. Good gives us bliss and pleasant gives us instant gratifaction, satisfaction or pleasure. We term end results of both these experiences as "happiness" - the only difference is that bliss is permanent in nature and pleasure is short lived. So seek the permanent.

Things to remember.

In the middle of it all…

Do not forget…

Push and pull continues - so that you can be stable…

Do you want to burn it all quickly? Then say it forever.. 

Make a project of sorts…people who won’t get it…

The minute you forget, this will happen - so never forget… you have been put here for a reason and that reason is not like others. 

The answer lies in action and it lies in fixing self. Everyone. I have experienced it twice now. 

Ram

Absolutely stunning - Ram

Nothing new but probably understood a little better? 

Why do we have to remember

I had written this some time back - Level Up

We have to remember for the sake of remembrance. Not to achieve anything. Not to meet anybody. Not to get anything at the end. Because there is nothing to get anyways. 

We have to remember because that is who we are. 

We do not want to forget ourselves. 

Everything is a path or process to remember. Whatever it takes, we must remember. 

I am more curious about how did we forget in the first place. What caused the memory loss? Was it Ms. M whose job anyways is to make us forget? Who created M - did we create it and lost control over it? The path to memory loss is easy, the path to remembrance is an uphill battle. 

Today when P said, it should be done for itself - for the sake of itself - it reminded me about this thought that had come to me about remembering. 

Pain

1. Trust the process

2. It is by design - imagine a conveyer belt

3. Sit through the process and pain - moving will disrupt the process and pain will shift elsewhere. It may look that the pain has been relived but it will settle elsewhere and the whole process will start again. It’s painful every way.

4. The pain will becoming soothing after a bit - it’s a sinusoidal wave - it does become better if we have the patience to follow the process by all design principles.

5. Pain is a teacher. 

6. Pain helps to focus and get attention.

7. Pain is more helpful overall.

8. It diminishes ego. 

9. In the absence of ego the true process can start. 

10. The process is designed to move from gross to subtle sensations.

11. We want the subtle sensations since they are at higher frequencies.

12. Higher frequencies tend to zero. 

13. At some point the bliss starts taking over such that the sensations don’t matter as much and hence right action can be performed. 

14. The bliss keeps you preoccupied and is a happy state of its own - only because it’s like a high and the mind can come up with out of the box ideas. 

15. Shifting the focus changes the state of being. 

16. We become all powerful and come closer to the essence 

Level Up

Why did we forget ourselves and? Why do we have to remember?

We have to remember who we are at all times so that we can be the single ray of consciousness that we are. The calm face that I saw is our identity or rather the essence of that figure is our identity. The further away we are from that center, the more comical we look. If we remember who we are, we will never act silly because being that requires absolute integrity on principles and being a true human. While we are totally aware, we can "pretend" to be silly just for fun, but we cannot "be" silly. If we remember this at all times, we can get to the next level where everyone abides by the eternal laws at all times and can see cosmic dance for what it is. What happens from there? A says this group then evolves to understand the mass consciousness and proceeds from there to get to the next level. When does this leveling up stops?

Romance and Sexuality

The text book meaning of Romance is "excitement associated with love and all the expressions that come with it". The way I understand this is - if love is made up of intellectual, spiritual and physical connection, Romance is the intellectual and spiritual aspect of it. I put the physical aspect under Sexuality and it could be as innocent as holding hands to the most physical act of love making. 

Romance can stand alone and so can Sexuality but while romance on its own can be handled by almost everyone, sexuality on its own can be handled only by very evolved beings. This is because sexuality on its own erupts the very fabrication of self in contrast with social conditioning and its repercussions can be seen. It can be extremely life altering and requires a lot of maturity to just get through with the way things are perceived to be. The end result is usually complete obliteration of self, if and only if, someone can go through it without losing their mind first. So it's difficult to understand and should never be tried casually. 

Romance on its own can be that self-altering only if the individual takes it that seriously. The problem with romance on its own is that the chances of its fizzling before it can become self-altering is real. Since physicality persists but anything that is of mind and spirit cannot be seen and hence chances are can be dismissed by most people as something simpler. The repercussions are less obvious so the pain is proportionate to the individual's sensitivity and awareness. 

Both are painful but while in romance pain is proportionate to the individual's sensitivity and awareness, sexuality becomes painful by social conditioning and repercussions that come with it. Both can be lessons - just like anything else - only if the individual is willing to learn from it. Actually romance or sexuality are all pathways or means to get to the same goal - unconditional love. But just like every other pathway, it depends on how much truth and introspection one can bring to the process. The results differ and so does the elegance associated with these paths solely based on that self awareness. 

ratio and proportion

It needs to be pursued with a madness. Whatever that is. The results are proportional. 

Ingrain

Everything has a rise and fall - everything - sensations in my body, my feelings, my thoughts, events, people and everything that I can think of. Everything has to be observed without any associated aversion or attraction. It needs to be ingrained in my psyche. 

How can I serve?

You can move from a group to another group - any group you want. Every group has a "persona" just like we have one in product management and all of those personas are equally interesting and boring depending on what you already know. To me it all seems boring and noisy and lip-service after a point. They look interesting from outside, they are all the same from inside. So depending on what one likes or wants, they can become that to join the club. What if I do not like what the clubs offer from inside but find them interesting from outside? What if I do not even want to know anymore clubs because they are all the same for me? What if nothing impresses me any more? I knew this in 2018? Why am I taking such a long route for what I already know? 

Fear that not; be not awed

“Fear it not. Be not terrified. Be not awed. Know it to be the embodiment of thine own intellect. As it is thine own tutelary deity, be not terrified.”

It is karmic personification of your own disposition.You know them so meet them as old acquaintances.

Drama

I sway and I struggle between 2 opposites - I know what is right yet I end up as a bundle of nerves. I do see it all as a 3rd person and frankly I am a little tired of my own drama that I create. At least I know it’s my own drama :-) 

Everyone is a mixed bag.

Be in the moment.

No aversion; no attraction. 

I cannot be moved(scared / happy) by anything that I create. 

Senses

This world contains filth, sadness, pain and exploitation as much as it contains the opposites. We crave the opposites but hate the filth. We cannot stand the brutalities and those facts / stories haunt us. We try to forget and behave as if those things do not exist. But they do. It is after all the other side of the coin. Its the absence of something that makes something else so valuable. Hence has to be treated with equanimity because it is as precious or not. 

Also, it is a mind game. We are all diseased and plagued by our minds - so we get what we think we deserve at the moment. If we cannot imagine or believe something better, we won't be able to overcome what is. But for that first, we need to know what even is the current state. Are we even able to objectively see our current states? Does that not get colored by our conditioning? So what is real then? Is it what we feel or is it what we think that we are feeling?

The world is experienced through 5 senses - sight, smell, taste, hearing and feeling - that is real. Not what the conditioning explains those senses are sensing. Can we differentiate? I am sitting on the couch and that is real. Everything else about that state will be a story that I will tell myself or others.